don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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