So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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