please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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