All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
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I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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