Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
