just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
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Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
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Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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