I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the day after is always just damage control
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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