I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
