I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
