Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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