Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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