hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
