just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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