Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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