1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just saw a hot homeless man
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
