I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize