PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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