I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish you could order shots online.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
