Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
