I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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