Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
