Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
