What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Randomize
