I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
