This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I didn't notice because vodka
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Randomize
