Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Please don't give away my fajitas
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
