my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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