Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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