So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
