the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
