Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
