There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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