roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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