You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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