Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
