Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
