he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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