i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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