i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
