why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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