I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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