i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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