Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
