You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know