i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
