me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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