i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
