Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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