I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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