I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
