She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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