I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
did i just pee glitter
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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