U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
