Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
