She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
