my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
